The Squarepants Rewritten Collection (DISCONTINUED)
by That One SB Fan
Summary: This is a collection of unpopular or disliked Spongebob episodes that I have rewritten into (hopefully) enjoyable and entertaining stories. Updates may be slow, but I'll try to keep things coming on a consistent basis. Only three entries are complete at the moment, but rest assured, more will be coming. Enjoy, and leave your feedback in the comments!
1. Pilot

This is a rough draft, and not a complete rewrite. I intend to make this into a series titled "The Squarepants Rewritten Collection" if it gains enough support. With that said. I hope you enjoy this short pilot! (Also, keep in mind this particular fanfic is written like a script for an actual episode. Figured this would be a "breath of fresh format". I'll show myself out...

(Title Card: Breath Of Fresh Squidward)

*Camera zooms in on Squid's house*

Squidward: Another morning, another day of dealing wi-

Spongebob and Patrick: GOOD MORNING, SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: Speak of the devil... wait, why are you two here? And how'd you get into my house!?

Spongebob: Don't worry about it, Squidward! We've been doing this for a while now.

*Cut to a scrapbook with pictures of Squidward sleeping in odd and unusual position*

Squidward: That's... really weird. Anyway, could you two idiots leave? I have to get ready for work!

Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward! Me and Spongebob took care of that for you...

*Timecard labeled "Meanwhile"*

Mr Krabs: Wait! COME BACK!

*Camera cuts to a truck labeled "Free Money"*

Squidward: *Narrows eyes* I don't even want to think about what you two did... Oh well. I suppose I should thank you two for giving me the day off. Breakfast, gentlemen?

Spongebob and Patrick: YES, PLEASE!

*Camera cuts to Squid's kitchen*

Squidward: Alright, you two. I'm going to make breakfast, so just follow one simple rule of mine... DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

*Cut to Spongebob and Patrick floating levitating*

Squidward: Good.

*Squidward walks offscreen*

Patrick: Spongebob! Look at that fancy toaster!

Spongebob: Patrick, didn't Squidward say to *imitating Squidward* "NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!"?

Patrick: Yeah. But he never said we couldn't touch it with something else.

*Both have sneaky expressions on their faces*

Squidward: Alright, breakfast is do- WAIT DON'T STICK THAT FORK IN THERE!

*Patrick stumbles and the fork falls in the toaster*

All three, while being shocked: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*All three fall to the ground, charred*

Squidward: Ugh... wait. Hold on a second... I feel... SO COMPASSIONATE!

*Camera cuts to storm clouds inside Squidward's head being replaced by the sun*

Spongebob and Patrick: Enough of the "compassion" garbage already!

*Cut to Spongebob and Patrick, who now have grouchy expressions*

To Be Continued (Read The Note At The Top Of The Page)


	2. Breath Of Fresh Squidward: Rewritten

This is the finished version of Breath Of Fresh Squidward: Rewritten. I'd like to apologize for this taking so long, and I hope you guys think that it was worth the wait!

(Title Card: Breath Of Fresh Squidward)

*Camera zooms in on Squid's house*

Squidward: "Another morning, another day of dealing wi-"

Spongebob and Patrick: "GOOD MORNING, SQUIDWARD!"

Squidward: "Speak of the devil... wait, why are you two here? And how'd you get into my house!?"

Spongebob: "Don't worry about it, Squidward! We've been doing this for a while now."

*Cut to a scrapbook with pictures of Squidward sleeping in odd and unusual position*

Squidward: "That's... really weird. Anyway, could you two idiots leave? I have to get ready for work!"

Patrick: "Don't worry, Squidward! Me and Spongebob took care of that for you..."

*Timecard labeled "Meanwhile"*

Mr Krabs: "Wait! COME BACK!"

*Camera cuts to a truck labeled "Free Money"*

Plankton: *Leans out the truck window* "That's right! Keep on "trucking" Krabs! Hahahahahaha! I crack myself up..."

Squidward: *Narrows eyes* "I don't even want to think about what you two did... Oh well. I suppose I should thank you two for giving me the day off. Breakfast, gentlemen?"

Spongebob and Patrick: "YES, PLEASE!"

*Camera cuts to Squid's kitchen*

Squidward: "Alright, you two. I'm going to make breakfast, so just follow one simple rule of mine... DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

*Cut to Spongebob and Patrick levitating*

Squidward: "Good."

*Squidward walks offscreen*

Patrick: "Spongebob! Look at that fancy toaster!"

Spongebob: "Patrick, didn't Squidward say to *imitating Squidward* 'NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!'?"

Patrick: "Yeah. But he never said we couldn't touch it with something else."

*Both have sneaky expressions on their faces*

Squidward: "Alright, breakfast is do- WAIT DON'T STICK THAT FORK IN THERE!"

*Patrick stumbles and the fork falls in the toaster*

All three, while being shocked: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

*All three fall to the ground, charred*

Squidward: "Ugh... wait. Hold on a second... I feel... SO COMPASSIONATE!"

*Camera cuts to storm clouds inside Squidward's head being replaced by the sun*

Spongebob and Patrick: "Will you stop talking about happiness, you nitwit?!"

*Cut to Spongebob and Patrick, who now have grouchy expressions*

Squidward: "Hey Spongebob! Do you wanna go jellyfishing, or go see a movie, or-"

Spongebob: "SHUT YOUR TRAP! I don't have time for your nonsense. I have a date with a little ukulele practice, so if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way."

Squidward: *Expression changes to a slightly less happy one* "Alright then, see you later. Oh! How about you Patr-" *Patrick's rock slams shut*. "Point... taken. I'll guess I'll have to find someone else to have fun with."

*"Meanwhile" time card*

Spongebob: "A one, a two, a one-two-three-four..."

*Loud and obnoxious ukulele music echoes throughout Bikini Bottom*

Old Man Jenkins: "Poor guy. Tuberculosis catches up with us all..."

*Cut back to Squidward, who notices the music*

Squidward: "That's the sound of a fellow music player! I gotta go get my clarinet!"

*Squidward digs through his closet, accidentally pulling out Old Man Jenkins*

Old Man Jenkins: "Sorry about the tuberculosis, sonny."

Squidward: "Nope." *tosses Old Man Jenkins aside* *Squidward looks through the closet again* "AHA, found it! Alright, here we go!" *Clarinet music echoes through Bikini Bottom*

*Spongebob Leans out his window, and notices Squidward*

Spongebob: "So, he thinks he's better at music than me, huh? Well, two can play at that game!

*Spongebob runs to his phone and calls Patrick*

Spongebob: "Patrick, get over here! Oh, and bring the heavy artillery, too!"

*Cut to Spongebob's room, where several amps and speakers have been set-up*

Patrick: "I PLAY A MEAN BELLY DRUM!"

*Patrick rocks out like he's having the time of his life*

*Squidward notices the insanity going on inside Spongebob's Pineapple*

Squidward: "We're doing a concert? I better go grab my fireworks!"

*Squidward launches some fireworks*

Squidward: "Fly, my pretties! FLY!"

*Cut to Old Man Jenkins, who is among the crowd of Bikini Bottomites watching the musical duel*

Old Man Jenkins: "What a great night to be alive!"

*A firework hits Old Man Jenkins and sends him flying*

Old Man Jenkins: "Ahhhhhhh!"

*Old Man Jenkins lands in a burial plot with a "For Rent" sign on it*

Old Man Jenkins: "What happened to respect for the dead?!"

*Cut back to the insane music battle*

Spongebob: "KEEP IT UP, PATRICK! WE'LL SHOW THAT BIG-NOSED LOSER WHAT WE CAN DO!"

Patrick: "Spongebob! The amps can't take this pressure!"

*The amps burst into flames*

Spongebob and Patrick: "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Gary: "MEOW! MEOW!"

*Squidward notices the fire, and stops playing the clarinet*

Squidward: "My friends are in danger! I have to take action!"

*Squidward dives through Spongebob's window, carrying a cup of baking soda*

Squidward: "The cavalry has arrived!"

*Squidward pours the baking soda onto the fire, putting it out*

Squidward: "YES! Is everyone alright?"

Spongebob and Patrick: "We're alright!"

Squidward: "That was a close call! Now, we need to properly dispose of this amp. First, I'll need to unplug it...

Spongebob and Patrick: "DON'T PULL THE PLUG!"

*both lunge at Squidward and tackle him*

Spongebob: "Now THAT was a close call! Right, Patrick?"

*Spongebob notices Patrick's foot is on the exposed wire*

Spongebob: "Barnacles."

*all three get fried, and then pass out*

*"Many painful hours later" Timecard*

Doctor: " Mr. Squarepants, Mr. Star. You're very lucky to have such a competent and caring neighbour!

Spongebob and Patrick, who are back to their old selves: "Thanks, Squidward!"

Squidward, who is back to his old self as well: "No.. problem. Six months in a full-body cast won't be so bad, will they?"

Patrick: "Consider yourself lucky. I don't even HAVE a body!"

*Patrick's torso is completely gone*

Spongebob: "I think you did the belly drum a bit TOO hard, Patrick."

*All three laugh together, as the camera zooms out*

*"EPILOGUE" Timecard*

*Old Man Jenkins climes out of the grave*

Old Man Jenkins: "FREEDOM! FREED-"

*Another firework hits Old Man Jenkins, knocking him back into the grave*

Old Man Jenkins: "I knew I should have gotten life insurance."


	3. The Thing: Rewritten

As my second least favorite episode of Season 4, making this one better will be an uphill battle, but I gave it my best shot. I've decided that making this one a short will help things flow better.

*Title Card: Sticky Situation* ("The Thing" doesn't make much sense, given the way I wrote this one.)

*Camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab*

Squidward: "Ahhh, what a wonderful day... is what I WOULD be saying, if I didn't have to deal with those two boneheads on a daily basis."

*Spongebob and Patrick walk into the Krusty Krab*

Patrick: "Spongebob, I have a question."

Spongebob: "What is it, Patrick?"

Patrick: "So, a few days ago, I saw Squidward at the store. I tried to say hi to him, but he kept walking away. When I finally got him to stop, he started yelling a bunch of words I didn't understand. Then, a nice police officer came over and told him to stop 'swearing in public'. Do you know what that means?"

Spongebob: "No, Patrick. But, now that you mention it, Squidward did the exact same thing to me the other day, except instead of a police officer telling him to stop, a lady came over and whacked him with her purse."

Spongebob and Patrick: "Hmmmm..."

*Camera reveals that Squidward was standing next to them the whole time, and is fuming*

Squidward: "I'LL SHOW YOU SWEARING, YOU-"

Mr. Krabs: "Mr. Squidward! Remember, we treat all of our customers with care and respect."

*Fred walks into the scene*

Fred: "Can I get some ketchup?"

Mr. Krabs: "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M LECTURING ME EMPLOYEE?!

*Mr. Krabs KOs Fred*

Fred: "MY LEG!"

Mr. Krabs: "As I was saying, we shall treat all customers properly, no matter how annoying they are."

Squidward: "Riiigghht. Alright Patrick, what do you-" *Squidward's watch beeps* "Welp, my shift's over. So long, losers!"

*Squidward walks out of the Krusty Krab, with Spongebob and Patrick following him*

Spongebob: "Squidward, wait! It's such a beautiful afternoon. Do you wanna go to Jellyfish Fields?"

Patrick: "I brought my own jellyfish!" *The jellyfish stings Patrick* "That stings."

Squidward: "Hmph. I think I'll pass on that one. In fact, I'd rather get hit by a cement truck. Hahaha, a cement-"

*Squidward bumps into the chute of a cement truck*

Squidward: "Oh, the irony."

*Cement pours down on Squidward, covering his lower half, and then the cement hardens*

Squidward: "MY LEGS! And part of my torso. BUT MOSTLY MY LEGS!"

Spongebob: "Squidward! C'mon Patrick, we need to split up and get help! Bring everyone to my pineapple."

*Bubble transition*

Plankton: "Do you mind telling me why you've gathered us here? I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now, like, say, building a uranium bomb, making a death ray, doing my laundry..."

Barnacle Boy: "He's got a point. I don't think Mermaid Man is supposed to be up past 7:30."

Mermaid Man: *Incoherent gibberish*

*Barnacle Boy slaps Mermaid Man, accompanied by a "SLAP!" card*

Barnacle Boy: "Wake up, you old fool!"

Mermaid Man: "Is it time for dessert? I want my ice cream to have extra prunes."

*Barnacle Boy does a facepalm*

Spongebob: "Settle down, everyone. They reason I've assembled you all (Sandy, Mr. Krabs, Patrick, Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy, and Plankton) here is to help our friend Squidward. As you all can see, Squidward has gotten himself stuck in cement."

*Camera cuts to Squidward*

Patrick: "What a shocking turn of events!"

Spongebob: "Patrick, you already knew about it."

Patrick: "Oh. Carry on, then."

Mr. Krabs: "This is awful! Who am I going to work mercilessly on a daily basis?"

Sandy: "Not to worry, Squidward. With my scientific knowledge, I'll free you from that darned cement in no time."

Plankton: "I'm evil, but even I feel bad for him."

Spongebob: "That's the spirit, everyone! Now, who wants to take a crack at freeing Squidward?"

Mermaid Man: "Will I get my ice cream?"

Spongebob: "Yes, Mermaid Man."

Mermaid Man: "Hurray! Now, with the power of my water ball, I'll break the cement."

Squidward: "Wait, if we're underwater, how can he form a-"

Spongebob: "Shhh, let the magic happen."

*Mermaid Man throws the water bubble... and it completely misses Squidward*

Mermaid Man: "Did I win?"

*Bubble transition*

Mr Krabs: "They didn't call me 'Armour Abs Krabs' in the Navy for nothing. My punches are the strongest in the Seven Seas. Let er' rip!"

*Mr Krabs continuously punches the cement, and the cement begins to crack*

Mr. Krabs: "Just a little more, and-"

*His claws break*

Mr. Krabs: "I guess my punches were too powerful for even me own fists to handle."

Spongebob: "Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. We made some good progress. Now, who's next?"

Sandy: "I've got something that could help. It's a device that analyzes substances, and then shows the best way to break them."

*Sandy analyzes the crack in the cement*

Sandy: "Hmm. According to the gadget, the best way to destroy the cement is to break it down on a molecular level. How are we going to do that without a shrink ray?"

Plankton: "Who needs a shrink ray when you're already tiny? Let me take a crack at it."

Squidward: "I hope this works."

*Plankton enters the cement on a molecular level*

Plankton: "Alright, so it goes like this, if I recall correctly: Break down the molecules, they turn into atoms, break down the atoms, and they turn into- ...nuclear detonation. Why didn't I learn from the last time I did this?"

*KAAAAAABOOOOOOM*

*At the hospital*

Spongebob: "We did a great thing, everyone. Even if we all have to be in full-body casts for a few weeks, it was all worth it. Right, Squidward!"

Squidward, who's legs and lower body are covered by a cast: "Yep. Much better."

Mermaid Man: "I still haven't gotten my ice cream."


	4. Yours, Mine and Mine (ending): Rewritten

(SpongeBob and Patrick run into the Krusty Krab)

Both: "MR. KRABS!"

Mr. Krabs: "Slow down there, boyyos! What's the problem?"

SpongeBob: "Patrick wouldn't let me play with the patty toy!"

Patrick: "My turn wasn't over yet, liar!"

SpongeBob: "YOUR TURN WAS ALL OF LAST NIGHT, YOU-"

Mr. Krabs: "QUIET! I think I have a solution to your problem."

(bubble transition; SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are standing over an operating table)

SpongeBob: "Get me a knife. We're gonna lose him if we don't operate fast."

(Mr. Krabs hands SpongeBob a butcher's knife)

Mr. Krabs: "Careful, SquarePants. This is a life-or-death scenario. No pressure."

(Spongebob lowers the butcher knife onto the operating table)

SpongeBob: "The operation was successful. Patient appears stable."

(Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob walk over to Patrick)

Mr. Krabs: "Sir, we have some news about the-"

Patrick: "WHY!? Why did he have to go? I only knew him for 11 minutes, but he meant so much to me! WAAAAHHHHH!"

(SpongeBob hits Patrick with a spatula)

SpongeBob: "As the doctor was saying, we have news on the patient. They made it through the operation, and will be out of the infirmary shortly."

(Squidward brings out the patty toy, which is now cut in half)

Squidward: "The things I do for my meager paycheck..."

(Squidward returns to the register; Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob rip off their surgical gear)

Mr. Krabs: "Instead of giving you both a toy, why not just split one toy in two? I don't have to spend any of me money, and you two will stop fighting."

SpongeBob and Patrick: "YAY!"

(The halves of the patty toy fall apart)

(silence)

SpongeBob and Patrick: "AHHHHHHHHHH! MR. KRABS!"

Mr. Krabs: "I forgot to mention that I might have cut some corners on the surgical equipment. Oh, would you look at the time? Gotta run!"

(Mr. Krabs is stopped by Patrick)

Patrick (with a devious grin on his face): "Well, since you don't know how to PROPERLY split things in half, how about me and SpongeBob show you how?"

(bubble transition)

(SpongeBob turns off his chainsaw)

Spongebob: "Who knew that chopping money in half could be so much fun?"

Patrick: "Yeah! Too bad it's not profitable."

(silence)

Both: "AHAHAHAHAHHA!"

Mr. Krabs, who's tied to his office chair: "Note to self: use stronger superglue when performing surgery."


End file.
